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New Years Revolutions!

Yes. Yes, we know it’s “resolutions” but, you know, we’re sick of adhering to the demands of social norms. Indeed. We’re just so gosh-darned insane we’re going to go beyond the reach of polite society...

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How To Be A Model

Your standard, knife wielding lunatic model. Models and modelling are and is a profession involving strutting your funky stuff whilst everyone stares at everyone. Catwalks around the world are...

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Professional Moron’s Fashion Tips For 2014!

2014’s Big Prediction: Dungarees are BACK! Yeah, we don’t really know anything about fashion here in the Professional Moron office. Mr. Wapojif has no interest in spending his limited funds on some new...

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The Importance Of Doing The Washing

A clothes peg – the clothes washer’s tool of the trade. Damn and blast it, Happy New Year everyone! It’s 2015 and now not 2014. Want to go back to 2014? Tough! It’s forever lost to you; as inaccessible...

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Exclusive Invention: The CushIron – A Cushion and Iron All-in-One!

Ever wanted to sit on one of these? Now’s your chance! As humans, we all enjoy sitting on cushions. Why? They’re comfortable, thusly ensuring your behind doesn’t become uncomfortable. However, many of...

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Exclusive Recipe: Pommes de Tear (make your torn clothes edible)

Quick! Get them off and into a recipe! There comes a time in any person’s life when their current batch of clothes is screaming “ENOUGH ALREADY!” – there’s a massive rip in your crotch area which...

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Exclusive Invention: The Mattdress (a mattress and dress all-in-one!)

You thought it first: “That would make a lovely dress!”. Recently, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, went and bought himself a mattress as his new home didn’t have a mattress of any sort. Mr. Wapojif...

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Exclusive Invention: The Fire Alarm Belt

Strap that to your midriff and you’ll be sorted! Ever wanted to be safer? Ever thought: “Gee, I wish my belt would offer something other than simply stopping my trousers from falling down”? Ever wanted...

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Exclusive Invention: Auberjeans (jeans and vegetables all-in-one!)

Jeans? There comes a time when one must accept vegetables are acceptable to wear. The time is now. Attention seeking snorefest Lady Gaga may revel in wearing a dress made of meat, but we’d prefer to...

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Exclusive Invention: The Washing Machine Hob

Hob. Washing machines are useful for people who like clean clothes. Hobs are useful for people who like heating up food. But has anyone ever thought about combining a washing machine with a hob? We...

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Exclusive Invention: The Washing Machine Tin Opener

Thank goodness you now have a robust product to use on all of your tins. You probably have a tin opener in your home. You’re no doubt aware it opens tins. As you also know, that’s about all it does....

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Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I tell when I’ve fallen in glove?”

Young glove at its finest. As we all know, young love is nauseating to behold. But it’s still required as the human race – the most important species in the world – must continue to overpopulate the...

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Exclusive Invention: Mustard Socks (socks made out of mustard)

Socks, you say? With spring on the way, you may have in mind the possibility for new fashion accessories. We certainly do! As such, we got our thinking caps on. And the best thing we could come up with...

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Flip-Flops at Work: Should Your Business Tolerate Toes?

Gross. But under the Equality Act 2010, you’ll need to word that better. When your employees attend work at your premises, most of them are usually wearing clothes. Indeed, most will also wear some...

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Exclusive Invention: The Teapot Washing Machine

Don’t mix your colours! As big tea drinkers, we recently thought of an idea to combine the world of herbal tea consumption with washing our clothes. Then it struck us. What if we combined a giant...

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Agony Aunt: “My man’s FLOORDROBE habit is gross!”

The human male is a confusing and mysterious beast. When not rearranging himself in public places, he’s back home using the floor as a wardrobe. This phenomenon is called the floordrobe. How can the...

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